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[Surprise, it's Tony! He's in his apartment, having hooked up devices of some kind to the network. Also he's wearing sunglasses. Yes, inside. Maybe that's to hide the lines under his eyes and overall weary, strained look, because after months of insomnia he's fraying at the edges.

Maybe it's just because he's Tony. The world may never know.]

Okay, so, granted, our benevolent huggytime captors are apparently goddamn psychopaths, since shadow demons and evil snowmen count as "no big deal" for the science department. Yeah. You got a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucies. But come on, seriously, who really thought this was a good idea?

[he jerks his thumb behind him at two industrial robot arms in the background with chassis labeled U and DUM-E. The one labeled U spins its claw in apparent confusion, while DUM-E just makes a quizzical mechanized hum. Tony makes a disgusted face that is far too exaggerated to be sincere.]

Two most useless robots, ladies and gentlemen. Anybody want 'em? They're good for, ah... well, nothing. I dunno. Dummy's pretty good with a fire extinguisher. Aren't you, Dummy? [he glances back at the bot, which tilts its claw, then wiggles its arm up and down enthusiastically in its approximation of a nod. Tony turns back to the camera and shakes his head sadly.]

God, it's like having a kid that never grows out of the idiot phase.

[U, meanwhile, has rolled slowly out of view of the camera. Shortly after, there's a loud crash from elsewhere in the apartment. Tony jerks in surprise and bolts out of his chair.] You! I swear, I'm going to sell you to the highest bidder, give you to that magic dragon kid, let him use you as a cape rack, wand holder, whatever the hell magic people use.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Have you seriously not seen a robot before, kid? Don't tell me that, I was starting to be mildly impressed with your tech despite your painfully bad aesthetic choices, now I'm going to be bummed out.

They're not even scary, You just broke a blender for god's sake.

Edited 2014-01-14 17:23 (UTC)

Not what I was getting at.

You realize that, like, every single assembly line on the planet uses robots like them, right? They've been around since before I was born.

What I was getting at is, most of the robots I know personally are of the "capable of deciding whether or not to help or hinder humanity" class. Independently of creator intent, even, some of 'em.

Do you really think you should have named it "Dummy?"

Edited 2014-01-14 20:20 (UTC)

Okay, one? Maybe in your world assembly lines aren't run by robots. Maybe they're run by, I don't know. Unicorns. Nothing's impossible.

Two, they're capable of deciding. Pass the Turing test and everything. Just... think very slow child.

And three, the name fits, what do you want?

Nah. Unicorns would get tired, or need food, or bathroom breaks. Most assembly line owners would prefer the robots.

Just because they're slow now doesn't mean they won't corner you one morning and ask why you couldn't think up something more... dignified.

[Then again, Red Tornado calls himself "John Smith..."]

I guess I'll allow points for creativity.

Why are robotics guys so into acronyms, anyway?

Dummy's older than you, kiddo. I think if he was going to turn on me he would've done it, and believe me, he's had plenty of chances. Besides, if any of 'em were gonna go Skynet on me, it'd be JARVIS. Right, buddy? [he directs this question toward the room, and a British voice with no discernible source replies]

Actually, sir, I prefer HAL 9000.

[Tony turns back to the camera] See? He's got a favorite.

Is that a backronym, too? JARVIS?

[Also, it's kind of a relief to know the stuffy British assistant is... alive and well as a stereotype? Maybe?]

What does that stand for? "Just A Really Vintage Information... Snarker?"

[Hey, he made the HAL crack.]

"Join A Real, Very Important Service?" Instead of spending your time making up acronyms?

Not even close.

Actually, sir, you're half right. Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. Fortunately, Mr. Stark puts more energy into programming than he does naming.

[Tony just looks disgruntled and slightly betrayed.]

Well, it wasn't hard. There aren't many good words that start with J, and even less that come after "just," start with A, and make sense.

...but seriously, what is it with robotics guys and acronyms?

There's a reason. But it's pretty technical, you wouldn't understand. MIT stuff. Took about, uh. At least... ten classes on it.

Did you pay for those classes?

If "JARVIS" was the best you could come up with, I'd ask for a refund.

Uh, I just told you you wouldn't understand. Obviously.

Try to keep up.

Guy as smart as you should be able to explain it in such a way that I would.

Or have I totally missed the mark?

[here's the most dramatic and pain-filled sigh in all humanity like this is causing him infinite suffering]

Whatever. Fine. Knew a guy named Jarvis, named J after him. DUM-E is dumb, U is what I yell when he's screwing something up. Which is always, by the way.

And robotics guys use acronyms because they look cool and because they're pretentious douchebags. Happy?

[Oh. It's working.]

Ecstatic.

[Would this Jarvis be a British butler, he wonders.

...damn, how would he set up ALFRED?

Artificial Life Form, Really Educated Dude?]

Did you actually work out words for DUM-E, though? That's the question now.

[A+ trolling Tony, and yes, Jarvis was a British butler. Because every rich kid needs a British butler, apparently.]

Ah, Disastrously Useless Machine... Etc. No. DUM-E stands for Dummy. Obviously. You really think I'm just going to write "Dummy" on a robot?

[It must be a status symbol. Like the flatscreen and the third pool in the backyard.]

Well, if you'll shout it across a room...

[Shrug.]

Edited 2014-02-08 23:37 (UTC)

Ah, yeah, sorry, but I make it a general rule not to take advice on what's cool from people who wear letters on their spandex.

Guess you can't afford to, if you have enough free time to build robots.

Are you implying that building robots is somehow less cool than wearing the alphabet?

[he gestures at the screen, indicating the 'R'] What, were you afraid you'd forget what comes after Q?

I'm implying it's indicative of not having a life.

Well, now I'm outright stating it, actually, but... semantics.

[He isn't deeply offended. More annoyed, but with a half-laugh to everything he says.]

It's branding. The licensing fee for my logo is pretty high, and it helps them remember what comes after "Batman and."

Edited 2014-02-10 19:11 (UTC)

[Don't take it personally. Tony has issues with other people who wear letters

Tony laughs once, and it's mostly sardonic, a little tired, and a bit hysteric. He defeated an alien army and then spent 7 months doing nothing but building suits of armor, and another 7 here designing suits. "No life" is simultaneously really accurate and equally inaccurate.]

Kid, you got no idea what kind of life I have.

And for the record? Batman has gotta be the dumbest superhero name I've ever heard. And I work with Captain America. Just saying.

Could say that about anyone, really.

[...should he try to interpret that laugh? Hm.

But he laughs serenely at that final line.]

Yeah, but you never ran screaming in the other direction when you met Captain America in a dark alley. It's all about the presence.

Believe me, if I say "Batman" in my world, anything with a rap sheet jumps like they heard a gunshot.

No shit? Well, guy's got stones, I guess. Kudos. Stones or absolutely no dignity. Maybe both. Either way.

And you guys got the whole "secret identity" thing going, too, I see. Tried that once, for about... eight hours. And I was unconscious and/or in cardiac arrest for about six of those. Never found it worth the effort, personally, and I like getting the credit.

You and your superbuddies afraid your highschool crushes will find out and not go to the big dance with you or something? Because honestly personal experience says the ladies are really into the superhero thing. [Yes, Tony is 90% certain all these kid superheroes come from a world of no adults. Oops.]

Well, it'd be kind of awkward if people tried to kill me during the school day. Or the dance.

I think most of us just date other superheroes.

[Or will be, anyway. Conner and M'gann, Barbara and Kara, and he's seen the writing on the wall for Wally and Artemis foreeeeever.]

Or supervillains. That's... been known to happen, too.

[Tony's looking preeeeetty dubious over here]

See, when you say things like that, I get the feeling we don't have the same kind of supervillains, you and I. You wouldn't wanna go to prom with mine. [technically Tony was raised basically by one of his supervillains, but... details]

Also. Dating superheroes? Bad idea. Terrible idea. Tons of baggage, it's a mess.

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