Tony Stark // Iron Man (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ironyman) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
touchscreens2014-01-11 09:06 pm
ironyman) wrote in touchscreens2014-01-11 09:06 pm
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[Surprise, it's Tony! He's in his apartment, having hooked up devices of some kind to the network. Also he's wearing sunglasses. Yes, inside. Maybe that's to hide the lines under his eyes and overall weary, strained look, because after months of insomnia he's fraying at the edges.
Maybe it's just because he's Tony. The world may never know.]
Okay, so, granted, our benevolent huggytime captors are apparently goddamn psychopaths, since shadow demons and evil snowmen count as "no big deal" for the science department. Yeah. You got a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucies. But come on, seriously, who really thought this was a good idea?
[he jerks his thumb behind him at two industrial robot arms in the background with chassis labeled U and DUM-E. The one labeled U spins its claw in apparent confusion, while DUM-E just makes a quizzical mechanized hum. Tony makes a disgusted face that is far too exaggerated to be sincere.]
Two most useless robots, ladies and gentlemen. Anybody want 'em? They're good for, ah... well, nothing. I dunno. Dummy's pretty good with a fire extinguisher. Aren't you, Dummy? [he glances back at the bot, which tilts its claw, then wiggles its arm up and down enthusiastically in its approximation of a nod. Tony turns back to the camera and shakes his head sadly.]
God, it's like having a kid that never grows out of the idiot phase.
[U, meanwhile, has rolled slowly out of view of the camera. Shortly after, there's a loud crash from elsewhere in the apartment. Tony jerks in surprise and bolts out of his chair.] You! I swear, I'm going to sell you to the highest bidder, give you to that magic dragon kid, let him use you as a cape rack, wand holder, whatever the hell magic people use.
Maybe it's just because he's Tony. The world may never know.]
Okay, so, granted, our benevolent huggytime captors are apparently goddamn psychopaths, since shadow demons and evil snowmen count as "no big deal" for the science department. Yeah. You got a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucies. But come on, seriously, who really thought this was a good idea?
[he jerks his thumb behind him at two industrial robot arms in the background with chassis labeled U and DUM-E. The one labeled U spins its claw in apparent confusion, while DUM-E just makes a quizzical mechanized hum. Tony makes a disgusted face that is far too exaggerated to be sincere.]
Two most useless robots, ladies and gentlemen. Anybody want 'em? They're good for, ah... well, nothing. I dunno. Dummy's pretty good with a fire extinguisher. Aren't you, Dummy? [he glances back at the bot, which tilts its claw, then wiggles its arm up and down enthusiastically in its approximation of a nod. Tony turns back to the camera and shakes his head sadly.]
God, it's like having a kid that never grows out of the idiot phase.
[U, meanwhile, has rolled slowly out of view of the camera. Shortly after, there's a loud crash from elsewhere in the apartment. Tony jerks in surprise and bolts out of his chair.] You! I swear, I'm going to sell you to the highest bidder, give you to that magic dragon kid, let him use you as a cape rack, wand holder, whatever the hell magic people use.
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Or have I totally missed the mark?
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Whatever. Fine. Knew a guy named Jarvis, named J after him. DUM-E is dumb, U is what I yell when he's screwing something up. Which is always, by the way.
And robotics guys use acronyms because they look cool and because they're pretentious douchebags. Happy?
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Ecstatic.
[Would this Jarvis be a British butler, he wonders.
...damn, how would he set up ALFRED?
Artificial Life Form, Really Educated Dude?]
Did you actually work out words for DUM-E, though? That's the question now.
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Ah, Disastrously Useless Machine... Etc. No. DUM-E stands for Dummy. Obviously. You really think I'm just going to write "Dummy" on a robot?
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Well, if you'll shout it across a room...
[Shrug.]
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[he gestures at the screen, indicating the 'R'] What, were you afraid you'd forget what comes after Q?
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Well, now I'm outright stating it, actually, but... semantics.
[He isn't deeply offended. More annoyed, but with a half-laugh to everything he says.]
It's branding. The licensing fee for my logo is pretty high, and it helps them remember what comes after "Batman and."
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Tony laughs once, and it's mostly sardonic, a little tired, and a bit hysteric. He defeated an alien army and then spent 7 months doing nothing but building suits of armor, and another 7 here designing suits. "No life" is simultaneously really accurate and equally inaccurate.]
Kid, you got no idea what kind of life I have.
And for the record? Batman has gotta be the dumbest superhero name I've ever heard. And I work with Captain America. Just saying.
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[...should he try to interpret that laugh? Hm.
But he laughs serenely at that final line.]
Yeah, but you never ran screaming in the other direction when you met Captain America in a dark alley. It's all about the presence.
Believe me, if I say "Batman" in my world, anything with a rap sheet jumps like they heard a gunshot.
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And you guys got the whole "secret identity" thing going, too, I see. Tried that once, for about... eight hours. And I was unconscious and/or in cardiac arrest for about six of those. Never found it worth the effort, personally, and I like getting the credit.
You and your superbuddies afraid your highschool crushes will find out and not go to the big dance with you or something? Because honestly personal experience says the ladies are really into the superhero thing. [Yes, Tony is 90% certain all these kid superheroes come from a world of no adults. Oops.]
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I think most of us just date other superheroes.
[Or will be, anyway. Conner and M'gann, Barbara and Kara, and he's seen the writing on the wall for Wally and Artemis foreeeeever.]
Or supervillains. That's... been known to happen, too.
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See, when you say things like that, I get the feeling we don't have the same kind of supervillains, you and I. You wouldn't wanna go to prom with mine. [technically Tony was raised basically by one of his supervillains, but... details]
Also. Dating superheroes? Bad idea. Terrible idea. Tons of baggage, it's a mess.
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[He clearly agrees about the villains, and makes a face. Stupid Bruce. Stupid Talia.]
Better than dating civilians. At least they can back you up for the inevitable date-ruining evil scheme.
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Oh, and, word of advice? Don't knock dating civilians. I got a girl back home, no special powers, no crazy martial arts, no back up potential. But? Most amazing person I know. And I'm saying this as a guy who knows someone who turns into a big green monster when he's pissed off. Also as me. [you know, a narcissistic asshole]
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It's really annoying.
[His brows just inch up slowly as Tony goes off on his lady friend. Strangely, it's a little... endearing? Amusing, at least.]
I'll take your word for it. That is pretty high praise.
[and yes it's because he's a narcissist]
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Damn right it's high praise. She deserves it, putting up with the shit she's--
[something apparently occurs to him right at this moment because he stops short and frowns]
Wait, hold on, Batman's a kid, right? Like you?
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[He did not know of which Tony spake.
He smiles a little at that cut off. Which is a shame, he liked hearing about Tony's supergirlfriend.]
An argument can be made, but chronologically, he's thirty-two to my fourteen.
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[Bring up the supergirlfriend again sometime, Tony will babble about her forever. He's having some separation anxiety over here. Like a puppy.]
Seriously? A thirty-two year old guy has a kid sidekick?
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Wow, okay. Wow. That's. Yeah.]
...I'd take one.
I guess you know all the best places around here for the components of 'em, then, huh?
[Not that he's had to USE any explosives, not really, but always good to be prepared, always...]
We try not to call ourselves "sidekicks."
[What is that supposed to mean, really? Batman would have gotten killed at least five times over by now if he didn't Robin to watch his back.]
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Whoa there, Short Round, you think I'm gonna tell a 14-year-old kid sidekick how to make explosives? Or whatever, I don't know, unpaid superhero intern. No way. That would be irresponsible. [because he totally cares about being responsible. absolutely.]
I'm gonna show you. Then it's educational.
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[...one thing Bats doesn't like is loopholes. It's a bit hard to maintain chill, but he does it.]
I don't suppose you had any luck breaking into systems here?
Not that I want to diverge from the proposed educational experience, but it is still important, too.
And don't worry, I know people who tried recreating chemical accidents. I'm too good to need it.
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[he gives Robin an extremely dubious look]
Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on. Explosives and hacking? What, are you training to be James Bond? Come on, kid, work with me here. There's only so far I can exploit a loophole before it inevitably turns around to bite me in the ass.
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Every man's in training to be James Bond, whether he admits it or not. I just have a much, much better chance at pulling it off... once I hit a growth spurt and spontaneously develop a British accent.
[But no, a responsible superhero is a good superhero. Hate to admit it.]
I can see how arming a minor might sit bad on your conscious, though. Loop the hole however you need to, and I'll... well, I won't keep my mouth shut, but I promise not to use my powers for evil.
voice ; filtered {{private}} to #CurrentUserNotMe // User.Alias: "agent cody banks";
voice ; filtered {{private}} to #CurrentUserNotMe // User.Alias: "agent cody banks";
voice ; filtered {{private}} to #CurrentUserNotMe // User.Alias: "agent cody banks";
Re: voice ; filtered {{private}} to #CurrentUserNotMe // User.Alias: "agent cody banks";
voice ; filtered {{private}} to #CurrentUserNotMe // User.Alias: "agent cody banks";
voice ; filtered {{private}} to #CurrentUserNotMe // User.Alias: "agent cody banks";