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[Surprise, it's Tony! He's in his apartment, having hooked up devices of some kind to the network. Also he's wearing sunglasses. Yes, inside. Maybe that's to hide the lines under his eyes and overall weary, strained look, because after months of insomnia he's fraying at the edges.

Maybe it's just because he's Tony. The world may never know.]

Okay, so, granted, our benevolent huggytime captors are apparently goddamn psychopaths, since shadow demons and evil snowmen count as "no big deal" for the science department. Yeah. You got a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucies. But come on, seriously, who really thought this was a good idea?

[he jerks his thumb behind him at two industrial robot arms in the background with chassis labeled U and DUM-E. The one labeled U spins its claw in apparent confusion, while DUM-E just makes a quizzical mechanized hum. Tony makes a disgusted face that is far too exaggerated to be sincere.]

Two most useless robots, ladies and gentlemen. Anybody want 'em? They're good for, ah... well, nothing. I dunno. Dummy's pretty good with a fire extinguisher. Aren't you, Dummy? [he glances back at the bot, which tilts its claw, then wiggles its arm up and down enthusiastically in its approximation of a nod. Tony turns back to the camera and shakes his head sadly.]

God, it's like having a kid that never grows out of the idiot phase.

[U, meanwhile, has rolled slowly out of view of the camera. Shortly after, there's a loud crash from elsewhere in the apartment. Tony jerks in surprise and bolts out of his chair.] You! I swear, I'm going to sell you to the highest bidder, give you to that magic dragon kid, let him use you as a cape rack, wand holder, whatever the hell magic people use.

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Ah, well, some terrorists tried to get me to build a weapon once. Didn't work out. [by which he means he torched and blew up their hideout. And then hunted down and shot the rest.] Does that count? The rest've just hated me or my dad or, I dunno, everyone, so no, no offers of ruling together.

Oh, and, word of advice? Don't knock dating civilians. I got a girl back home, no special powers, no crazy martial arts, no back up potential. But? Most amazing person I know. And I'm saying this as a guy who knows someone who turns into a big green monster when he's pissed off. Also as me. [you know, a narcissistic asshole]

There's this immortal terrorist guy who runs an Assassins-For-Hire thingy and wants to purge the world of human influence because it ruins the environment or whatever. He wants his daughter to marry Batman so Batman will carry on for him.

It's really annoying.

[His brows just inch up slowly as Tony goes off on his lady friend. Strangely, it's a little... endearing? Amusing, at least.]

I'll take your word for it. That is pretty high praise.

[and yes it's because he's a narcissist]

Sounds like you, my friend, could use a Hulk. Trust me, super convenient for getting rid of annoying immortal assholes. Not so convenient for the budget, admittedly. Property damage. But pretty damn cool.

Damn right it's high praise. She deserves it, putting up with the shit she's--

[something apparently occurs to him right at this moment because he stops short and frowns]

Wait, hold on, Batman's a kid, right? Like you?

Edited (html fail) 2014-03-03 17:25 (UTC)

What's the blast radius of a hulk? I haven't had to use explosives here, but they are kind of a side interest...

[He did not know of which Tony spake.

He smiles a little at that cut off. Which is a shame, he liked hearing about Tony's supergirlfriend.]

An argument can be made, but chronologically, he's thirty-two to my fourteen.

Think less explosive, more big, ah, angry green guy. Really likes beating up gods, put one into the floor of my brand new Tower, which would be, you know, really rude if it wasn't also really cool. Pretty great guy, as smart as me when he's not mean and green, except with gamma rays instead of... basically everything else. Speaking of, explosives? Kinda my specialty. Just saying.

[Bring up the supergirlfriend again sometime, Tony will babble about her forever. He's having some separation anxiety over here. Like a puppy.]

Seriously? A thirty-two year old guy has a kid sidekick?

[A brawler... for the gods.

Wow, okay. Wow. That's. Yeah.]

...I'd take one.

I guess you know all the best places around here for the components of 'em, then, huh?

[Not that he's had to USE any explosives, not really, but always good to be prepared, always...]

We try not to call ourselves "sidekicks."

[What is that supposed to mean, really? Batman would have gotten killed at least five times over by now if he didn't Robin to watch his back.]

Pretty sweet, yeah? Only one though, and I don't suggest trying to change that. This one guy, Blonsky? Tried to make himself a cheap copy of the big guy, didn't work out so well. SHIELD's got him squirreled away somewhere, maybe I'll look for that next time I break into their systems. [you know, hacking top secret government agencies, no big deal]

Whoa there, Short Round, you think I'm gonna tell a 14-year-old kid sidekick how to make explosives? Or whatever, I don't know, unpaid superhero intern. No way. That would be irresponsible. [because he totally cares about being responsible. absolutely.]

I'm gonna show you. Then it's educational.

Like you get paid for this?

[...one thing Bats doesn't like is loopholes. It's a bit hard to maintain chill, but he does it.]

I don't suppose you had any luck breaking into systems here?

Not that I want to diverge from the proposed educational experience, but it is still important, too.

And don't worry, I know people who tried recreating chemical accidents. I'm too good to need it.

Ah, no, obviously, smartass. But I have a Fortune 500 company and not a paper route.

[he gives Robin an extremely dubious look]

Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on. Explosives and hacking? What, are you training to be James Bond? Come on, kid, work with me here. There's only so far I can exploit a loophole before it inevitably turns around to bite me in the ass.

[...company or conglomerate, he thinks.]

Every man's in training to be James Bond, whether he admits it or not. I just have a much, much better chance at pulling it off... once I hit a growth spurt and spontaneously develop a British accent.

[But no, a responsible superhero is a good superhero. Hate to admit it.]

I can see how arming a minor might sit bad on your conscious, though. Loop the hole however you need to, and I'll... well, I won't keep my mouth shut, but I promise not to use my powers for evil.

[oh, Robin, Robin, Robin. This has little to do with Tony's conscience and much, much more to do with the number of people who would chew him out for this. Tony is certainly responsible in some areas, but 'good influence to minors' is definitely not one of them.]

[He definitely makes a face like Robin has a point about the training to be James Bond thing, though.]

Alright, kid, here's the skinny. I'll teach you, but you gotta do me a solid. Last time I messed around with someone using a fake name, I ended up in a doughnut shop with a guy in an eyepatch staring at me while a hot redhead jammed a needle into my neck. Also my best friend stole my shit. [that had more to do with him dying and not telling anyone instead of the fake name, but... details] I don't do the fake name thing.

So here's the deal. You tell me your actual name, and I'll teach you, you know, whatever you can keep up with. How's that?

Give me a moment to appraise this filter.

[Which he does, mostly to have a moment to think.

The idea of just saying "Dick" and hanging up, only to call in the favor later -- "I totally told you my name!!" -- is tempting. It is really, really tempting.

He likes anonymity. He's not sure he knows Tony well enough to be entirely certain of his trustworthiness. He's frank enough that Robin doesn't think he'd lie, but subterfuge, dissembling, all possible.

But he doesn't have to account for Bruce Wayne's minor celebrity status here. There's no one to connect them-- indeed, he's not here to be connected to. It probably wouldn't hurt M'gann or Bar--]

Cody Banks? Guess I'm glad it's not Spy Kids.

[--bara, either.]

Okay. Some background: most of my friends don't even know my name, but that has a lot to do with situations that don't apply here. I'll admit that.

You sound like you know a lot, and you're, bluntly, petulant enough that I'm pretty sure you'd withhold my name from the nonexistent and highly-hypothetical enemy purely from spite. I respect that.

But, on the level, is it worth it to me? And, also on the level, what do you gain from knowing my name? Is it just peace of mind? Blackmail?

Please, you are so Frankie Muniz. Anyway, I could have used Christopher Cool: TEEN Agent, so. Count yourself lucky.

[no argument on the "petulant enough" part, though. There's some moral don't get kids hurt code in there, but with Tony spite is generally a safe bet too.]

Guess I could say I can hold it over your head if you don't keep your trap shut, but let's be honest, I've done way worse, so even if you do rat me out. [shrug] Whatever. Partly, it's like I said, my experience with people who use fake names is limited to a shady men in black agency full of lying liars who lie. And I don't like that. In this case it's more or less a Pavlovian thing, but what are you gonna do?

[he sighs and crosses his arms] Bottom line, I've been burned before by people who had my shit who shouldn't. [he pulls down the collar of his hoodie just enough to show the edge of a glowing blue circle in his chest] If I can't trust you to give me your name, can't exactly trust you to not, you know, blow up a street block.

Whether or not it's worth it to you? Depends on how well you can keep up.

And yet still better than Malcolm in the Middle, too... I don't even remember before that one was in syndication.

[he flinches slightly at the sight of the glow. Cybernetic respiration? That burning could well have been more literal than figurative, and yeah he can grant Tony that right. Back in the League, Batman has built up enough credibility to counteract the secrecy and suspicion. He has Clark and Diana to vouch for him, plus a handy Martian mind reader.]

Can we talk in person? Your filter is good, but I have hang ups, too,

Hey, don't make me feel that old. I swear to god.

[Tony spots that little flinch. Yeah, that's the exact reason he showed just the edge through a shirt. Kid would probably freak out if he actually saw the thing embedded in Tony's chest. He shrugs, his way of agreeing with Robin's terms.]

Time and a place, kid.

Roof of the Convention Center. In the shopping district. Thirty minutes or so?

Sorry it won't be much of a show. Not giving myself enough prep time.

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